I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
