On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
