My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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