the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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