I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
