"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
