Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
