Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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