Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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