Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
