I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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