I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
