How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
