No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
