Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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