I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
