I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
