Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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