Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
