I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
