My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
