Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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