is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
