Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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