i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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