life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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