who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
