omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
