just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
