How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
