i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
