So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
