your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
