I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
