I think I died a long time ago.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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