Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
