I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
