you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
