i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
