OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
