I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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