He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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