A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
