All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
