you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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