Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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