you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
