Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
