I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
