Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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